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I’ve come to a conclusion. I’ve sent a message to my closest friends and family. It says…
Thanks, to everyone for your thoughts and messages today. I’ll be okay, but I don’t want to talk about it…. now or later. I just want to deal with it and get back to normal life for awhile without everything revolving around trying to get pregnant.
I’m feeling like a bit of a failure at the moment (and no, please don’t rush to tell me I’m not, because it’s not about that) and I guess that’s because it’s tough to go through something like this with all eyes on you, and then not “coming through with the goods” so to speak.
Because of this, I’m sorry to say that I’ve decided not to tell everyone when or even if I will continue to attempt to get pregnant… it’s just too stressful for me with everyone wanting to know details all the time (again, I know this comes from concern and caring etc.) …but for me, it’s much better to just go about my business and make an announcement when/if I ever get pregnant.
I hope you all understand where I’m coming from, and thanks for being in my life.
My first cycle was a lot easier, because only a couple of people knew what I was going through. And then, I only told everyone when I got pregnant, and I’m still glad I did, because I certainly needed their support when I lost the baby… but that meant that the secret was out, and everyone knew, and so the conversations just continued into the next stage of trying again. Way too much pressure!!
I really don’t want all eyes on me all the time, and I want my life to go back to that period in time when NOONE felt sorry for me, and NOONE worried about me being childless or alone. I hope they understand… it’s not that I don’t want to talk… I just don’t want to talk about getting pregnant all the time!
One of my beautiful friends has responded and told me that she thinks I’m brave and that she doesn’t feel slighted at all, so of course, I’m crying again, and feeling so lucky to have wonderful friends in my life, supporting me through all the tough times. And I’m so glad that my message hasn’t been misinterpreted and that people understand.
So… now its time for me to reflect a bit more and work out what I’m going to do. I’ve eaten through a huge chunk of my savings, and I’m battered and bruised inside and out. I think I’ll take some time out, get fit & healthy and see what life throws at me at some point down the track, with no expectations.
I woke up this morning, and I still didn’t have my period, so I went along with the process and got the blood test done locally.
Around 1.15pm, I realised what time it was and thought… wow, the morning has flown by, and I have been so busy at work, that I haven’t had a second to think about the results yet. Of course, from then on, it was the only thing on my mind, and I finally got the call from the nurse at the Clinic at around 4.00pm.
The conversation confirmed what I already knew, but I still didn’t like hearing it. I didn’t know what to do, or think, or feel, but knowing that I was at work helped me pull it all together a bit.
The bottom line is that now I need to decide if I want to start again or not. I can, and it’s a pretty straightforward process again – wait for my period, ring the Clinic, make an appointment for 21 days later, blood tests, nose spray, head spins, more blood tests, internal scans, injections…. lots and lots and lots of daily injections, and thousands and thousands of dollars.
The nurse suggested I could talk to the counsellor again, but I don’t know if that is going to help me. I also asked about different processes, was there a shorter cycle, how can I improve my chances if I decide to go through this again? The nurse suggested I have an appointment with my Fertility Doctor, or maybe even a phone consultation to talk it through with her, but basically it comes down to increasing my dosage of drugs again to try to get more eggs so we can freeze some, and also some sort of new growth hormone that they have started using (which will probably cost me another fortune).
I sent a test message to everyone to let them know the news… and then went home for a quiet night of reflection.
I’m positive I’m not pregnant! I woke this morning, did the final test, got a very definite negative this time, and it didn’t turn to positive after a period of time, which makes me think that until now, I’ve probably still had some HCG in my system from the Pregnyl injections.
I haven’t got my period yet, but I’ve definitely got the telltale signs of cramping etc., so it’s only a matter of time.
I don’t know if I can do this all again… but I don’t know if I can’t either. I’m already dreading the needles, the appointments, the blood tests, the head spins and the bruises.
Yup, you guessed it, I’m up early again. I don’t even need an alarm these days! This time I’m using the same test that I used last time, and once again, it came up a very very very faint positive… but again, only after about 10 minutes, which is after the instructions say to rely on them.
I woke up early and tested again…. Another negative, turning to a very very very faint positive after the test time expired. Hmmmm, what does this mean???
I’m wondering if I should do another home pregnancy test… I think I will.
I duck out to the shops during my lunch break on a training course today. I need some new shoes for work, so I’m wondering why my feet are taking me to the chemist? I already have another test at home, but I’m thinking of testing each day until my blood test. Oh wow, what on earth am I thinking? Have I turned into one of those women I read about all over the web blogs… desperate to get pregnant?
Yes, I am. I bought another 2 tests and can’t wait to get to sleep tonight, so I can wake up and do the test!
I had my niece and 3 nephews here last night and at 4am, my niece woke up vomiting. All over my beautiful plush carpet too! But I digress. Anyway, after cleaning her up and getting her back to bed, I went and took the home pregnancy test. It came up a BFN (big fat negative)… during the testing time, but 10 minutes later, there was a very faint line showing. I think during my first cycle, my first HPT was a false positive, and the test was picking up the HCG of the Pregnyl injections (even though I was actually pregnant).
I’ll probably cave and do another HPT on Wednesday or Thursday morning, just to prepare myself a little bit for the phone call from my blood test on Friday morning (either way).
Tonight was my last Pregnyl injection… yaaaaaaay! And just to remain true to form for the other injections I’ve had this cycle, it hurt like hell too. Bled a fair bit this time too. Oh well, fingers crossed it’s the last one for EVER (which will only be if I give birth to twins by the end of the year).
Did the Clinic give me a batch of dull needles? Is my skin getting thicker? Am I doing something wrong? This cycle of needles has certainly hurt more than the last cycle, and tonight’s was one of the worse. I must be holding them on an angle or more likely, my body knows what to expect this time around and is rejecting the needle before it gets close to my skin!
Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to push through and give myself the injection. I don’t know how I would go if someone else was giving me the injection, that might be worse.
Thankfully, that’s my second last needle for this cycle, with the last one to come on Sunday night.
I nearly forgot to give myself my second Pregnyl injection tonight. I generally give myself my injections around 10pm and tonight I forgot. Now… how could I forget such an important thing? Hmmm, not sure but I do know that during my 1st cycle I was unemployed and so all of my time and energies was spent on the internet searching for pregnancy symptoms, trawling through the online forums to see if any hint of what I was going through could be found and basically spending every waking moment thinking solely of getting and being pregnant. And this time, I’m working… so my attention is diverted elsewhere… thankfully.
Tonight’s injection was pretty straightforward actually. Considering that most of the needles have hurt me during this cycle, I was quite impressed with tonight. Only a sharp jab and a slight ache for a short moment afterwards – easy really.
So that’s 2 injections down, and only 2 to go… and hopefully, those 2 injections will be the last that I ever need because this cycle is going to work! It just has to!
I jumped in the car at 12 noon today to make the hour drive to the Clinic for my embryo transfer appointment. I had to drink a litre of water and hold it in my bladder for an hour, so I started sculling water on the drive down there. I drank about 900 ml by 12.15pm and arrived very early for my appointment (around 12.45pm).
I went to the office around 1.15pm and finalised my account, paying for the donor sperm and getting my receipts for all the other payments made to date. I then went next door to wait…
And wait… and wait… and wait!
My fertility specialist was over 30 minutes late as she had been held up doing the treatments (egg retrievals) and I was the third one in! I finally got in to see her around 2.10pm and my bladder was so full, it was very uncomfortable to walk.
I got to see my 3 little embryos on the screen again – this time I had one with 8 cells and two with 4 cells. Good quality embryos are those with 4 to 8 cells, so I guess mine are pretty good so far.
And then the nasty painful bit happened. I had forgotten how much it hurt to have that speculum inserted into my cervix. Although, I’m not that sure it hurt that much the first time. My doctor told me that my cervix was on an angle so she had to twist it twice. Add that to a very, very full bladder, and it hurt like hell!
Then into the catheter and into my uterus they went… with a short wait while the embryologist checked that they had all left the tube.
Finally I got to empty my bladder, then went next door to get the blood test request for 2 weeks time. Oh, the dreaded 2WW (two week wait).
I had my first of four Pregnyl injections tonight. This is to assist the embryos to implant into the lining of the uterus. I’m hoping they do their job… but not quite perfectly. They can do it 2/3’s but if 3 embryos implant, I still don’t know what I will do… other than cross that bridge if I come to it I guess.
I got a call from the Lab on my way to work this morning with the great news that all three of my eggs had fertilised overnight. I must have pretty good eggs for my age!
We discussed how many embryos I wanted transferred and I told her that I was still pretty set on having all three transferred. There are pros and cons with multiple births:
|
Pros |
Cons |
|
Save the cost of extra IVF |
Medical health of mum and bubs |
|
Siblings for the children |
No hand me downs so double the cost |
|
One maternity leave – less job interruptions |
Double the work when I’m alone |
|
Getting older, so harder to conceive again |
|
|
Double the hugs and kisses |
|
|
Know no different |
|
But I’m still not sure how I would cope with triplets! Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that, twins will be hard enough.
Once that was decided, the embryologist told me that we could make the transfer tomorrow instead of Saturday. Well that freaked me out a little bit, even though I had already arranged to have Friday off work. I asked her what was best for the baby(s) and she said that the only reason they generally waited the extra day was to select the strongest embryo’s and given that we weren’t choosing, there was no reason to wait if I was available. Basically, she said they would be better off where they belong to do their thing.
So… tomorrow is the big day, and there is still the 2 week wait to see if I become pregnant…again. Oh my… what am I doing?
I stayed at my sister’s place last night and my brother in law drove me down to the Hospital early for an 8am arrival. I checked in at the front desk and was directed to the waiting room for day surgery patients. Once there, I signed some paperwork, paid the hospital fees, signed a claim form for them for my private health insurance to pay the difference (not much) and sat in the waiting room with 3 other women.
After about 10 minutes, the nurse arrived and directed us into another waiting room, where there were about 5 or 6 more patients in various stages of preparation for their surgeries. I met with my anaesthetist, who has a great sense of humour and after asking a series of questions, told me that he was happy with me and that he would see me soon. I told him that I was happy with him too.
Then the nurse came back and took my blood pressure, pulse, and height and weight details, strapped my bands to my wrist and ankle and sat me back in the waiting room. Around 9.15am they called me to get changed in the cubicle, and put all my clothes in a plastic bag under my bed. Just after 10am, the anaesthetist and a nurse wheeled me down the hallway to the door outside the operating theatre. He and I small talked about allergies and the human body’s reaction to certain things (we were fascinated about my allergy to avocado), and then the nurse met me in the hallway. She double checked my information and then told me that at this hopsital we walk into the theatre, so I got off the bed and walked straight in.
My doctor was there, and while the anaesthetist and the nurse were prepping me with the canula and chest monitor tags, my doctor and I discussed the number of embryo’s to be transferred. I told her that I had discussed the matter with the stand in doctor and my doctor said that her and the Embryologist were just talking about the number before I arrived. I was able to convey that it would depend on the number of eggs that were retrieved and fertilised, but I was leaning towards three embryos to be transferred. My reasons for this are that the treatments were getting expensive, I am getting older, and if my choices were between three babies and no baby, then I would take three babies. I reiterated that it would depend on the number of eggs that fertilised and the embryologist said that she would talk with me more about it tomorrow morning when she called.
I woke up in recovery at around 10.40am and the recovery nurse told me that they retrieved 5 eggs. I started crying because I was very disappointed that they didn’t get more. I truly expected that they would find a few more eggs hiding inside my ovaries.
It was a pretty quick move from the 1st stage of recovery to the 2nd stage and it was around 11.30am that they gave me a sandwich and some juice. The nurse rang my brother in law and I heard her tell him that he could pick me up at 12.30pm. I then got changed and moved out to the 3rd stage of recovery… which was sitting on the chairs in another waiting room. During that stage, another nurse took my blood pressure and pulse and completed my discharge papers. I sent a few text messages to the family with the news and my sister sent me a text saying my brother in law wouldn’t pick me up until 1pm as he was in the city.
Around 1.15pm he arrived to pick me up and we left to come home. On the way, the Lab called to tell me that 3 of my eggs were implanted with sperm and we would know overnight if they fertilised! If they do, I will be choosing to transfer all three on Saturday to increase my chances of a full-term pregnancy!
I got to the clinic and went in to see the other doctor as my doctor doesn’t work on Monday’s. While there, I asked her about using 3 embryo’s and she said that although it is common for women my age to have 3 embryo’s transferred, it might not be practical in my case as I previously attained a pregnancy with 2 embryo’s. She said that there is a 5% chance of triplets being conceived, which is still a significant chance… so they may not like that option.
For my part, if the choice is between having 3 babies and having no baby, then I’ll take triplets… I just don’t want to! But twins would be nice… I really want two children, and this process is very expensive, and I don’t know how much money I will have left after I have a child. Oh well, I guess I’ll discuss further with my doctor on Wednesday morning.
The scan showed that I have 4 follicles in my left ovary and 1, maybe 2 in my right ovary – but that will depend on if it is there, and if they can get to it during the operation. Looks like I’m exactly where I was last time.
I had a call from my anaesthetist’s office this afternoon, who will be doing my egg retrieval operation on Wednesday. She informed me that I needed to pay upfront, and that the anaesthetist is very tall, and very nice haha. I wonder what the reason for telling me that was. In any case, his fee is slightly less than it cost me last time, so that’s something finally going my way on the financial front.
Tonight I had to have my trigger injection at 10pm. I got a bit nervous about missing the time that I injected 10 minutes early before I realised the time! Last time I had the trigger injection, I was given Ovidrel, with a follow up injection of Pregnyl. This time, I was given Pregnyl as my trigger injection, so I must remember to ask why I didn’t get the Ovidrel this time.
I had my scan and blood test this morning and things are looking good. It seems that the doubling up of my dosage on the gonal-f has increased the number of follicles and I’m up to about 8 at the moment. My doctor mentioned that there are at least 4 in my left ovary, and counted 1 – 2 – 3 and a couple more small ones developing there, so it’s all looking good for my goal of 8 or 9.
She tells me that I will need another scan on Monday morning, and the egg retrieval will happen on Wednesday.
The bad news is that I need to continue with the Luveris which is the expensive drug, and that’s for twice as long as I used it last time, so I really need to sit down with a calendar and work all this out one day.
On the other hand, I love that it all seems to be going according to plan again.
The nurse asked me today how many embryo’s I want to transplant this time, and I told her that I’m thinking of transplanting three! The problem with that is that I definitely couldn’t cope with three babies (but on the other hand, I’ve never not coped with something, so I’m sure I would work it out, but I just don’t want to). We talked about if it would increase my chances of getting pregnant and the fact that I’m 40, and she told me she understands where I am coming from and that I should talk with the doctor about it. She said that other women my age transplant three for the same reasons.
The problem I have is that I have no statistics on the chances of all three embryos sticking. In any case, I can’t really make a decision until I find out how many eggs fertilise and then I can work out how many to implant, based on how many I will be freezing.
So I guess that’s another decision that will have to wait until Wednesday night/Thursday morning, and I will get a chance to talk to my doctor about it on Monday before the operation.
So now I have to choose my baby’s donor again, a new one this time because the previous donor is no longer on my list.
The bottom line for me is getting this to work… I’m not sure I can go through this again, and I’ve worked out I was pretty naive through my first cycle. The first time you do anything difficult (give up smoking, lose 5 kilos, bungee jump etc.) seems pretty easy because you don’t really know what you’re up against until you do it. The second time you do it, you know what to expect, and it just gets harder and harder. I now have a deeper understanding of couples who have been doing this for years and get to the point where they give up.
One of my gonal-f injections each day has been hurting and tonight I think I worked out why. I’ve been reusing the needle for each side (I checked with the nurse that this was okay) and I think that’s been blunting the needle for the second shot. I have enough needles left over from the last cycle, so from now on; I’ll be using a fresh needle for each injection.
And in addition to that, the first time I injected myself, I had forgotten to load the dose, and didn’t see how I could do that with the needle inside me, without hurting me, so I had to take it out, load the dosage again, and reinject!
But the biggest hurt tonight was the Luveris injection. I’m sure the needle was blunt because it just would not break the skin. And I drew blood up into the needle and the hole it left in my belly was big. Still just explaining and documenting, not complaining… but certainly going to use this against this kid one day lol.
I had my blood test locally this morning to check my LH levels, and just like last time, I got the call this afternoon that I needed to take the Luveris again. Luveris is used to stimulate the follicle growth and help make my eggs a better quality. Another rushed drive at the end of the day in peak hour traffic down to the Clinic to pick up enough doses until my scan next week. Very expensive too, but if I’m honest, I’m a little bit secretly pleased in some weird way… because everything that happened last time got me pregnant, so if it all goes the same, there should be no reason why I don’t get the same outcome, right?
So now I’m up to three needles per night.
I can’t remember if the Luveris needs refrigeration or not, but it does have to be kept at less than 25 degrees, so I’ve put it in the fridge. And I couldn’t remember how to mix the two vials… but I got there in the end. And it hurt like hell again, but still worth the effort. And it was a nice lesson for my niece and her diabetes needles… just get in there and do it, because the bigger picture is far more important than the brief pain that lasts only moments.
I decreased my dosage of synarel spray today… down to only one nostril in the morning and one in the evening. It still gives me head spins tho.
Well tonight is the night that I start the Gonal-F injections… and that requires TWO needles per night this time. My dose has been increased from 450 to 600 units and is designed to stimulate the ovaries a lot more than last time in an attempt to produce more eggs this time. The good news for that is that we are now hoping for some embryo’s to freeze in case this cycle doesn’t work, which makes future cycles more affordable and easier to go through as I think there is no need for the drugs to work on those occasions. I can’t say for certain because I haven’t gone through it yet, but my guess is that it is as straightforward as thawing the embryos and inserting them like last time. Of course, that’s my laypersons view of the situation; I would probably still need a cycle of drugs to help them stick. Who knows… let’s cross that bridge if we come to it, which I hope we don’t because I want this cycle to work, but I’ll continue to hope to create more eggs this cycle “just in case”.
Ouch! I forgot how much the needles hurt. I also forgot how to prime the injection, so it’s lucky I got a page of instructions to talk me through it.
I injected 300 units into each side of my abdomen, and only bled a little bit on the left side. I’m already worried about this dose as last time my ovaries ached so much and I was only injecting on each side every second day, now I’m injecting on both sides every day! But I’m not complaining, just explaining… and keeping my fingers crossed the whole time 
I arrived at the clinic a little late this morning and got straight in to see the nurse. She took my blood and told me that I was here for my ‘down regulation’. When I asked what that was she said that basically they are taking my body into menopause, which means I might get some of the symptoms (insomnia, headaches, fatigue, lack of concentration etc.) but it’s nothing to worry about, and the blood test is to ensure that this has occurred. They do this so that they can control my body with hormones now to stimulate the ovaries to produce eggs.
I received the needles and the bad news that I need to have 2 needles per night now as they have increased my dosage to try an increase the number of eggs retrieved.
After my blood test, I went to see the stand in Doctor to have my internal scan, and the good news is that my ovaries are exactly where they want them to be at this stage in my cycle.
Finally, I’ve started the drug regime, which starts with the Synarel nasal spray. What my nostrils have to do with my ovaries is beyond me, but it worked last time, so I’m sure it will work again.
It’s the same dose as last time – 1 spray in each nostril, morning and night. I’ve decided on 10am and 10pm so it doesn’t interrupt too much with my social life (what social life???).
And I forgot about this drug giving me head spins… it is such a weird feeling the tingles in the nose, the head spins, the awful taste in the back of my throat… oh well, the things we do huh?
I arrived at the Clinic at 3.00pm and found out that I was just seeing the nurses today… no appointment with my Doctor. I also got told that it was going to cost me a bloody fortune again. Every procedure is all so expensive, that’s all I know… but hopefully, worth every cent.
The appointment itself was pretty straight forward, but as expected, I asked a whole heap of questions about what could have gone wrong, and could the miscarriage have had anything to do with my internal scan. The nurse assured me that it was just “one of those things” and that I didn’t do anything wrong etc. the bottom line is that most miscarriages are for reasons totally unknown.
I was given my synarel spray today (2 packs) and the nurses called me this afternoon (actually, I got a few calls with conflicting information, but we finally got to the bottom of it) and told me to start sniffing on Saturday.
Well, I’ve never welcomed a period in my life before as much as I welcomed this one! I rang all the family and told them the good news haha (and they loved it so much that a few weeks later, my sister called me to give her the good news that she got her period!).
I have my appointment booked for 3.00pm on Wednesday 7 January 2009, which seems so long away, but with Christmas coming up, I know it will go quickly. Now I just have to work out how I am going to skip out of work early without anyone knowing!
I rang the fertility clinic as soon as I got home and learned that they can see me as soon as my cycle kicks back in. I’m to ring them the day I get my period, which is expected to be around 5 weeks (if I’m lucky). This is broken down to 1 week of recovery and bleeding, and then 4 weeks of the cycle to start again. It can take up to 8 weeks for the body to kick back to normal, and I’m in so much of a hurry!
When I ring the Clinic, they will make an appointment for me for 21 days later. This will be the equivalent of my appointment just before I went on holidays in August, so it should take about 6 weeks from then to see if I’m pregnant. I’m keeping my fingers crossed every day for another positive result.
I found this beautiful poem at the back of the Miscarriage brochure and although it makes me cry (more), I think it’s a fitting end to this diary… and I hope it’s not too long before I start my new journey.
Just Those Few Weeks
By Susan Erling
For those few weeks -
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks -
I came to know you…
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks –
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations…
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks –
It wasn’t enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing
Just a mere few weeks –
And no “normal” person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of life too quickly.
But it seems that’s all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
I woke this morning around 4.30am (nothing unusual in that these days), but I immediately felt that I wasn’t pregnant. I had had another night of weird dreams, which they say are associated with pregnancy, but I found myself lying on my stomach, and my first thought on waking was that I couldn’t be over 10 weeks pregnant because I was still sleeping on my tummy. I got out of bed around 5.30am and went to the toilet. I felt a “discharge” so I peeked in the loo and saw some brown/reddish spots and realised I was bleeding. I wasn’t too upset at this stage, just a bit out of sorts. My trainer arrived at 6am, and I told him that I didn’t feel right and that I was bleeding. He suggested that I shouldn’t train with weights today, but I told him that I felt that if something was going to happen, it probably already has, and although we should take it a bit easy, I was still keen to train.
When he left at 7am, I went to the toilet again, and this time I was bleeding drops into the toilet (like a period), and the colour was more red than brown. And then I started crying because I really knew now that it was over. I rang my sister, who told me to call the medical centre or the hospital. I rang the medical centre to talk to a doctor, and the receptionist suggested that I should come in rather than talk on the phone, and that they would send me straight in to see the doctor with no waiting. I asked if they had scanning machines there, or should I go to the hospital. She said they don’t have any scans there, but that they could organise it if need be. Basically, she said it was up to me where I went, but I would probably get seen quicker if I went there.
So I rang my sister back, jumped in the shower, got ready for work, and was out the door within 20 minutes. By now I had pretty much been crying since 7am when I was sitting on the toilet. I got to the medical centre around 7.45am and saw a different doctor. He was amazing, very caring, very worried and concerned, and totally willing to do everything that I needed to do to get through this time. His opening comment to me when I sat down was “now, when did I last see you?” and I had to explain to him that this was our first meeting, and that I had only been to the medical centre once a few weeks before. I told him that I woke this morning on my tummy and because of that, I didn’t feel that I was pregnant anymore. He explained that although he understood my thoughts, it wasn’t a very scientific diagnosis, and perhaps we should check me out medically before we jumped to any conclusions. He checked my abdomen, asked me a few questions, and told me that he wouldn’t do an internal exam, but that I should have an ultrasound. He got the receptionist to book it, and the first available appointment she could get was 11.30am (because I had to drink water for an hour and then hold it for an hour). Of course, my first thought was for work and that I couldn’t possibly take a day off after only being there for 3 weeks, so I told him that I couldn’t make it and that I was going to work. He was horrified and told me that this was important, and that I was too upset and that he would sort work out. I was confused and worried, and I guess I really didn’t want to have the scan because I didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and running away to work was going to be my best option. I was still crying a lot, and he was very worried about me and told me that this was important, so I decided to take the day off work and get it sorted out.
Before I left the medical centre, he told me to come back after the scan and to sit outside his office (not to go back to the receptionist). I drove over to to my sister’s but noticed that my niece’s car was there, so I kept driving over to best friends place. I figured that she wouldn’t be home (she was heading away for a week’s holiday), but her hubby might be home, and I needed to drop something off to him, so it could kill some time until my niece left. As it turned out, my friend was still home, as they weren’t leaving until 10am. She opened the door with a huge smile, happy to see me, and then said… what’s wrong? When she saw my face. I told her I was bleeding and she hugged me and we talked about the morning. Her two young daughters asked why I was crying, and I explained that I was sad that they were going away and that I was going to miss them.
I stayed at her place for a while, and noticed that I wasn’t bleeding sometimes when I went to the toilet, and I was bleeding other times. I sent my sister a text to let me know when my niece had left, and she sent one back saying everyone had gone and she had the house to herself. So I headed back over there to wait before the ultrasound.
My sister had rung the hospital to see if I could get in for an ultrasound any earlier, but with the Emergency Department, it’s a bit “hit and miss” so it worked out that it was probably best to stick with the scan I had booked.
Mum arrived on her way to bingo, and I decided not to tell her anything other than I was feeling a bit off on my way to work, so decided to take the day off and just hang here for a while. I was drinking lots of water, and also needed to move my bowels (how nice was that?) as I just had an “all round” uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen, so I decided to go to the toilet at 10.30am. And then I had to drink more water! All up, I drank 2.5 litres and then headed down for the scan. They were pretty good, I turned up at the wrong place, but they were affiliated with the other place, so they just moved my appointment from one location to the other, and fit me in where I was.
The radiographer (I think that is what they are called) was really nice. I missed her name, but she called me in, and got me to lie down to do an external ultrasound first. As I was lying back, I really cramped up, and as soon as the pictures came up on the screen, I knew there was no heartbeat. I saw the sac, and the embryo, but where I had seen a very strong heartbeat at 6w6d, there was no movement this time. The radiographer was very well trained, and didn’t confirm anything, just assured me that more tests needed to be done before any conclusions could be made, but I knew. I was holding my sister’s hand and I told her that I didn’t see a heartbeat like I did last time.
After a short while, I was told I could empty my bladder and she would do an internal ultrasound, because sometimes (see, there is still hope) when the bladder is so full, it compresses the images. I went to the toilet (relief) and was still bleeding, so for me there was still no hope, only confirmation required.
This time, the radiographer was able to give more conclusive information, and she took measurements of the foetus. She said that it appeared that the embryo had stopped developing around 6w2d, and the cervix had stopped growing around 7w3d. I know I saw the heart beat at 6w6d, so I guess the baby was just small, and got through to week 7. Long enough to change from an embryo to a foetus.
We left the ultrasound clinic around 12 noon and she told me that they would put a rush on the results and that I should have them in 30 to 45 minutes. We went straight back to the doctors, and waited to see him. He came out of his office soon after, and true to his word, he called me in. I explained that the baby was gone but he needed to see the results (he thought I had them with me), so he asked me to wait outside again and he got the receptionist to chase them up and told me he would see me as soon as they came in. The receptionist that I had seen all day came to tell me that the scanning place would get her the results within 40 minutes (and this was already 12.30pm, 30 mins after they told me 45 mins). Oh well, I had the choice of waiting at the Doctors, or going to the scanning place to wait there. I stayed where I was, and was pretty upset still – by now I’d been crying steadily since 7am, so I looked a nice mess too. My concern was the Doctor finished work around 1pm and I didn’t want to miss him. The receptionist told me that he would stay there as he had appointments until around 2pm.
The results came in around 1pm and the Doctor saw me immediately. He explained that the baby had stopped developing around 7 weeks, which is called a “missed miscarriage”. This is when the baby dies but stays in the uterus and that I now had the option to wait until nature took its course, or I could have a dilation and curettage. This is basically a small operation, under general anaesthetic, where they dilate the cervix and scrape the lining of the uterus, which removes the “products of conception” (a medical term to cover all the contents of the uterus during pregnancy. I didn’t want to wait, and have to deal with this all over again, and who knows when nature would take its course, or where I would be. Also, I want to try again as soon as possible, it now feels like my only goal in life is to get pregnant – and I really need to stop thinking like that, as it now has a sense of finality attached, and I was (way before I knew that I cared this much)… I was very much of the opinion that if it happened, it happened, and now I appear to be very much of the opinion that this is all that matters in my life.
This doctor was so fantastic all day – it is ironic that I have now found a doctor that I love, right when I am not pregnant anymore. He told me that I’m too hard on myself, and he’s proud of me that I’m so independent and doing this myself, but that I need to let people help me more, and that as he gets to know me better, he’s going to make me more soft. He also said that I should go to the hospital and that they will most likely help me today or tomorrow and that afterwards, he will help me through it. He was amazing, and told me that he wishes he could do more to help me, but of course, he can’t, and we just have to take each day as it comes now.
My sister and I then drove home, and picked up some McDonald’s to eat because I hadn’t eaten all day. We got home and I took one bite and realised that I would have to have a general anaesthetic and that I would need to have been fasting for that. So I rang the hospital to see what I should do before I ate anymore. I’m so glad I did, because the Doctor had told me to present to the Emergency Department so that I would get seen ASAP, and the midwife confirmed that, but during the conversation, she spoke with someone else and realised that I already had my scans, so she said to come to the Women’s Clinic and they would get me seen to that way. Kind of a back door option to get in the front door quicker.
So I packed a back, changed my clothes, didn’t eat and we left for the hospital. On the way to the hospital, I called my other sisters, and told them what was going on. I tried to contact Mum, but her phone kept going to voicemail. When I got to the hospital, they sent me to a quiet waiting room where I found a great brochure on miscarriage (which has the beautiful verse reprinted below). The registrar came to see me and it was the lovely young woman I met last Monday (gosh, was it truly only a week ago?). She was sad for me, and also had the miscarriage brochure to give to me, so they are obviously on the ball with looking after women in these circumstances. She was great once again, very thorough, explaining the procedure, and going through the options. She got straight on the phone to get me admitted for the procedure today, ringing the anaesthetist, surgery, bookings & admissions and even the bed manager in case I needed to stay longer than Day surgery (in case an emergency came in and I got bumped).
Finally, it was all sorted, and I had to go and get some blood tests and then head down to Bookings and Admissions and that it all sounded like they would see me pretty soon as there was another woman in the hospital that had been there since 9am who was due to have the same procedure soon.
So off we went to Bookings and Admissions. When we got there, I took my number (57) and noticed that the board just clicked over from 48 to 49. I called Mum again, and she asked if she should come up to the hospital, and I told her that there was nothing she could do, so it was okay. I also called work to let them know that I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning and that they were putting me on a drip in the hospital for a few hours because I was dehydrated. That sounded as good as anything, and also explained that I wouldn’t be in the next day.
Soon after, Mum arrived and then my number got called, and we got booked in and then went up to the Day Surgery, and it was only a matter of minutes before they took me into a room and got me prepared for the surgery. They said that the other woman had gone down about 20 minutes ago, so they expected me to be called very soon. I undressed, put on a hospital gown and some very sexy paper undies (not!) and got into bed. They took my blood pressure and pulse, tied the tags around me and soon after, called my sister and Mum in to say goodbye. I was wheeled down to the pre-op area and arrived there at 4.50pm.
After a few minutes in the pre-op area getting me checked in (asking me the same identification questions, I was then wheeled into the anaesthesia area. More identification questions, and then the Anaesthetist tried to get the cannula into my vein and he said my vein was moving… I have no idea where to, it was still attached to my hand where he was jabbing me. So he tried again with another vein and luckily, this time he got it in. They had to take blood through the cannula because the pathology was closed.
At 5.10pm, I was wheeled into surgery, where they put the anaesthetic in my arm and I went to sleep.
I woke up at 5.50pm in the recovery room with a nurse removing the tube from my throat and the head nurse (Damien) introducing himself and putting an oxygen mask on me. For a split second, I forgot why I was there and then I wondered why my eyes were so sore, and then I started crying again as I remembered. They took my blood pressure and pulse and at around 6.10pm, they took me back to the room. Luckily, my sister had left my book for me to read, and the nurse soon came in and told me that she had also kept my handbag and had put it in a locker for me, which was great, because I wanted to text my sister to come and get me. They brought me in a sandwich to eat, and told me I could get dressed soon after that. Once dressed and eaten, they moved me into the recover room where there are just chairs, no beds, to sit, and the nurse also told me that I should go to the toilet before I leave, so I went straight away. I sent out a text to my friends letting them know what had happened, and the nurse came back to remove the cannula, and a few minutes later, my sister arrived to collect me.
I stayed at my sisters, and she told me that she had told the children and that they were very upset for me. I had a few scotches with my brother-in-law, and went to bed around midnight. I had a little bit of bleeding and a little bit of cramping, but nothing the scotch and more crying didn’t fix. My brother-in-law’s brother came over, and he was wonderful as usual. Not afraid to talk about it, but supportive and caring – it definitely runs in the family.
I went to bed around midnight, and woke up at 4.30am… and started writing this diary around 6am. It’s now 9am and I think its time to go home and have some alone time. I plan to ring the Fertility Clinic this morning to see how I go about starting again.
I told my new boss that I had to leave work early today to pick up my sister from her eye appointment, but it was really to get to the hospital to meet the specialist. The appointment started with a lovely registrar (I couldn’t catch her name, and she said it really fast and she didn’t wear a name badge). We spent about 20 minutes going through my history, and she took lots of notes. She was very thorough, and really nice.
She then asked if I wanted to hear the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler machine. She cautioned me that it was very early and I was unlikely to hear anything, but if I wanted to try, she would give it a go. She said a lot of women get apprehensive if they can’t hear the heartbeat, so I shouldn’t try if I was going to be worried, because it was highly likely that it was too early anyway. I told her I was willing to give it a go, so I jumped up on the bed. The Doppler machine is a really weird soundwave machine… it’s like an ultrasound where a gel is used on my abdomen with the soundwave device, but the other end is small and handheld. It’s kind of like a walkie talkie because you hear a lot of static and a lot of noises from inside the body – like fluids moving, and I heard my heart beating, even though she was down on my abdomen (it was like an echo). We couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat, but we did hear noises like a mobile phone was going to ring, so I told her that the baby was trying to ring her, and we both had a laugh at that.
After the attempt with the Doppler, she left the room and came back with another registrar who was doing her rotation (in training) and she asked me if it was alright that she sat in on the rest of the exam. I was okay with that, and so she handed my blood test results over to her to see if she could find what was wrong (?!) with them. It turns out that they hadn’t tested for syphilis, and were going to send me for more blood tests, but I assured them I had had all sorts of screening blood tests trying to get pregnant, and that if they found syphilis, I probably wouldn’t have been here now J
She then paged the specialist, who came in, got a run down of my history, said hello, and then left. Haha and one wonders why they get paid the big bucks!
Anyway, that was pretty much it! She told me that I should make my next appointment with the hospital for 4 weeks time, after my scan, which I guess means another day off work (I already have my scan on 2 December and a 2 hour appointment on the 4 December to book into the hospital). The receptionist asked if I thought an appointment in 3 weeks time would be okay and she booked me for 11am on 4 December, straight after my booking in appointment which was great (less time off work).
I finally decided to use the local medical centre. After a lot of phoning around to find someone with outside of work hours that bulk bills (and preferably female – I have no idea why I feel like I want a female), the only place I could find was a medical centre. They have a female doctor who works a lot of Saturday’s, and also has an early start of 7am on Friday’s, so that suited me perfectly. I really need to give the Clinic some details, so I went down to meet her this morning.
The Doctor was nice enough, although I have to say, I didn’t immediately feel a strong rapport with her. She was pleasant, even cracked a smile, but I didn’t feel that she offered me any advice unless I asked the question, and lets face it, the only reason I need a doctor is to tell me what to do so that I stop reading the damn internet to get all of my answers lol.
She spent most of the appointment time on her computer, printing out referrals for me. I needed to get a referral for the specialist appointment, and she also gave me details to book me in for a neural translucency test. This test is an external ultrasound and a blood test that carries no risk at all to the baby, and gives an indication of downs syndrome in the baby. Basically, it tells me if I have a 1 in 100 chance, or 1 in 1000 chance kind of thing. It is designed to give me more information as to whether to have the more invasive tests or not.
Oh, and she also decided that I needed another round of blood tests… how totally excellent. So off I went up to the pathology lab to get another round of blood taken. I’m kind of getting used to it now I guess.
So that was it, I now have a doctor, although my heart still isn’t in it, but I’m hoping that she’ll grow on me. I didn’t dislike her, I just didn’t fall in love with her J She told me that she would see me again in 4 weeks time, and I left.
Today I called the hospital, as I need to find an obstetrician to get my files transferred to and start my pre-natal care. I’ve decided to go public for a few reasons… I don’t really have my own doctor, I don’t want to pay the out of pocket expenses from my private health insurance (full obstetrics don’t kick in for another month after Bub is due) and because I was born in the same public hospital – and if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my bub too.
They have advised that they do shared care with GP’s and that I should continue (?) to see my own GP until my 12 weeks scan. I had to explain that I don’t have a GP, but that I will try to find one. I can have my appointments at the hospital, but they don’t have after hours appointments, so it’s probably better if I find a GP that can help.
The ante-natal clinic has advised that I see their specialist for a one-off appointment, and then the specialist will decide if I should continue to see him, or if I’m okay with the GP. That’s scheduled for two weeks away, so I will have to leave work early… no idea how that’s going to happen yet.
In addition, I need to do my “booking in” appointment with the midwives, which will take 1 ½ to 2 hours! At least that appointment is early December and scheduled for 8.30am, so might be easier to fit in.
All these appointments are going to be tricky as I will be starting my new job on Monday and need to hide any doctor visits until at least my 12 weeks – I’ve decided to tell my boss before the end of my probationary period, but as soon as my safe period has passed – no point in upsetting the new company with my news if something terrible happens.
Today is the day I find out if I’m still pregnant…and if I’m having one or two babies!
The last two and a half weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. There’s a part of me that hopes it’s twins, ready made family, no having to go back to try again for a sibling and therefore, reduced costs of IVF, and less disruption to my work. On the other hand, twins bring more expense of having two of everything up front, more potential medical risks to the babies and myself, and a whole lot more work for a single mum to contend with. So while I hope its twins on one hand, I equally hope that it’s just a single too. And overall, I just want the clinic to confirm the heartbeat is still there!!!!
By the time I made the one and a half hour drive to the clinic, I’d worked myself up into such a state that I was going to learn that I wasn’t pregnant anymore! The office was unusually empty, something that I had never seen before as every other morning appointment I had been to there was a hive of activity and patients everywhere.
My doctor called me in to have my scan and she was so positive and happy for me being pregnant, even though I told her I was excited (to learn I was pregnant), worried (that she would now tell me I wasn’t) and nervous (that she would tell me it was twins).
The scan was straightforward, another internal of course. A nervous few seconds until I saw movement on the scan… and there was my baby’s heart beating! Wow! What an exciting moment in my life.
She was really pleased, she took pictures, told me that there were some early signs of a twin pregnancy, but it’s definitely not there now (no real idea what that meant), and that the baby is 0.4mm long. After that, she checked my blood test results and said she was still pleased with all my levels and just reminded me to use iodised salt in my cooking as the baby needs iodine, and Elevit doesn’t contain this. I asked her how long to keep taking the cartia, and she advised for at least the first 2 months, and I also asked if it is safe to take fish oil supplements as well, and it is, so now I’ve added that to my morning pill popping routine too.
I confirmed my donor details that were used, asked about siblings and how soon I can start again (3 – 6 months after bub is born) and how to go about putting aside more sperm from the same donor for the future. After that, I was told to find a local GP so that my files could be transferred, and that was it!
Later this afternoon I went “window shopping” with my girlfriend to see what sort of furniture and other big items are available, and what sort of prices I’m going to be up for. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and after a few price comparisons and internet comparisons, I think Baby Kingdom has the best bargains for the car seat, cot, mattress, basinet, pram, change table/chest of drawers, baby sling and change mat – all up, around $2,500.
I’m not sure if it’s too early to lay-by or if that would be tempting fate. The great thing I learned was that I can lay-by now on a 30% deposit, and then pay nothing until I pick up the items, and more importantly, the guarantees will commence from pick-up, not from the date of lay-by.
My niece is staying the night, and so I organised a family lunch at my place, and this time… my Mum came. So I’m planning on telling her now instead of waiting until after my scan.
We were sitting outside eating lunch when Mum announced HER great news – she’s given up smoking – so at least I’m not going to have a problem with her cuddling my baby haha.
So after we all congratulated Mum on her news, I asked her if she still knew how to knit. She said “yes, of course I do”, so I told her that it might be pretty cold in June, and my baby might need some winter woollies to keep it warm. She did a bit of a double take and was quite speechless. I then went into the details about IVF and I don’t think she really understood that too much, but her jaw well and truly dropped when I told her it could be twins!
Overall, she was very happy with the news, but I’m still not sure if she has grasped the concept of IFV and donor sperm and that I’ve been pursuing this proactively… her comment as she was leaving was “well, I’m happy if you’re happy” – it’s like she thinks that I’ve found out I’m accidentally pregnant and have decided to keep it.
So now the whole family knows… and my close girlfriends too. My best friend has known since ten minutes after I found out, and another friend rang me a few days ago to check the progress so she knows. I had coffee with another one yesterday afternoon in the city and told her, and I rang another girlfriend on the way home. Another one returned my call later last night and I left a message for the last one on Facebook and gave her access to my blog. She called this morning to congratulate me, and was soooooo excited, but I had a house full of people here so I couldn’t talk for long.
So now, everyone knows… let the celebrations begin.
My niece and her 7 month old son have arrived from interstate yesterday to visit for a week, so today we had a big family BBQ. Everyone was there except one niece and my Mum.
After I went home from my sisters place last night, I started to contemplate telling the family. I found a great poem online to use to tell Mum, and I decided to buy Anne Geddes cards for each of them and write in the cards… “Just when you thought that I’d never make you an Aunty… SURPRISE! But shhhh it’s a secret”.
I discussed my thoughts with my sister who has known all along what was happening when I arrived at her house, and told her that it was too hard to hide the changes in my personality from the family – going from drinking at EVERY social function, to not drinking at all, was going to be a hard ask to convince the family, and I certainly wanted to tell them on my terms, before anyone guessed … or even joked about it to me.
And just as I thought, as soon as my step-niece arrived, she was offering me alcohol haha. I definitely had to bite the bullet and tell my sisters, so at the first opportunity, I gathered all three of them in the bedroom and handed them the cards. My eldest sister was shocked – in a happy way and asked me if I was pregnant? I admitted to them that I had been going through the process for quite a while now, and that my second eldest sister and her husband were aware of what was going on. After a lot of hugs and kisses and congratulations, I then dropped the further bombshell that it could be twins! My eldest sister nearly fell over haha.
We then discussed telling the rest of the family (kids and all), as there were another 14 people in the house that still had no clue as to what was going on. I didn’t fancy explaining everything to the kids given that I was only 4 weeks along, and it is still very early days and anything could happen. My eldest sister said that I should go out there and shout it from the rooftops – “hey everyone, you’re going to have another cousin” haha and that this is something in life that children are very resilient about.
My niece was holding her son, so I took him out of her arms. She picked up her camera to take a pic, and I asked her if she thought the look suited me because I was planning on having one of my own in June. She didn’t believe me… just said, “yeah, whatever” a few times and I kept having to repeat myself haha. My step-niece twigged to the fact before my niece did… but they both came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and congratulated me. And the kids were all asking questions and trying to follow the adult conversation. My step-nephew’s girlfriend was there, and she gave me a hug and a kiss and then headed outside to tell him.
Then my brother in law and nephew came inside so I filled them in on what was happening, and my step-nephew came inside, gave me a kiss, and asked me how far along I was, and promptly announced that his girlfriend was 6 weeks along haha which of course was a joke, but very funny.
Overall, everyone had lots of questions and wanted to know why I had decided this, and how I came to the decisions, and what it all meant and what was going to happen, and overall, it was fantastic to get it all over and done with in one day.
The kids started getting a bit more in tune over the course of the day with more conversations going on about babies, and I kept expecting the inevitable question to come up about me not having a partner. Then after lunch, my 9-year-old nephew found out that I was pregnant, and promptly announce that it couldn’t be true. When I asked him why, he kept saying that he didn’t believe it, and that I wasn’t pregnant. His mum kept asking him too, because we both thought that the question of having no partner was about to come up, when he finally admitted that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant because I was too skinny! Oh, how I loved him for that, the response was priceless.
As apprehensive as I was about telling everyone my news, it was also great to know that the whole family is now aware of what is happening, and I can openly ask for advice and talk about my experiences.
Later in the afternoon, I printed out this diary and it got passed around so I could share the details of my journey to date with everyone. I’m so glad I started this diary!
The only person that I haven’t told yet is my Mum… but I am planning on waiting until after my scan on 23 October 2008 before I tell her.
I woke up early this morning, and was wide-awake, so I got out of bed with all intentions of getting back into my exercise routines. Now that I know that implantation has occurred, I figure I can take it easy with at least some daily walking.
But yayyyyyyyhhhhhh! My sister is home!! I got a message on MSN from her last night saying they got home at 8.30 last night. I’m so excited. I sent her a message back telling her to let me know when she gets up because I want to talk to her about my job opportunities. Which I do, but I really want to tell her my great news. I had already told her that my home tests were negative, and when she came online to tell me she was awake, she asked me about my blood test, but I told her I had no news yet.
For my birthday last year, she bought me a t-shirt that says “I’m the most important person in my life”, and I’ve decided that I am going to take that back to her today and let her know that its no longer true.
But she has 4 kids, and getting her alone was a struggle, so I just took her into the computer room and got her to read my online blog from when I found out I was POSITIVE! She read it, looked at me and said…. “Are you?” with the hugest grin on her face. So after going through it with her, she went to get her husband, and we made him read it too.
How exciting… now I have three people who know, and I just have to hold out for the next 6 weeks or so until I start telling everyone else.
I’m so glad I spent the last week telling everyone that I had a negative test, because now they will really be surprised.
My plan is for my sisters and I to take our Mum out for her 70th Birthday in early November and tell them at that time. By then, I will have had my 6 ½ week scan and so will have more information, and will be 9 weeks pregnant, so will consider myself safe enough. Oooooh, can I wait that long? That’s only 4 weeks away, so I need to try really hard!
I rang my best friend this afternoon to let her know the great news! She was in a change room in Target with her daughters, and obviously very excited to hear my positive results.
I’m disappointed that my sister and her husband are still away with the family as I would have loved to tell them too, but I’ve decided to wait until they get home tomorrow night to let them know.
I headed over to my besty’s for dinner and she bought me 2 books – a pregnancy journal (but it is actually a baby journal) and a book of baby names. I’ve already decided that if it’s a girl, I will call her Matilda – which is named after me and my great grandma on Dad’s side, which I think will make Dad very happy to have a family name to be his legacy (he passed away suddenly last year). I’m not sure on boy’s names at all, so I’m sure the book will be of great assistance there.
I’m PREGNANT???? Oh my god, words cannot convey my excitement! I didn’t hear Toni for about 5 minutes as I was crying and she tried to tell me that Bub’s due date is 12 June 2009, and that I have to have a scan at 6 ½ weeks which is 23 October 2008!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!!!!! Is this really happening? My first cycle of IVF! I’m going to be a MUM! Finally! I’m sooooo lucky!
Words just cannot convey what I am thinking. I started this journey a number of years ago as I started to get older, and realise that I might never be a mum. I never wanted to be a single mum (hey, I still don’t), but I truly didn’t want to NOT be a mum. And for me, the choice between the two became easier as I got older.
Towards the end of 2007, I really started to get serious about doing something about it… I actually started surfing the net for information, and talking to my friends about the potential of it all. What I struggled most to find out was about how single women went about this whole process, as every piece of information I could find out about IVF was for couples, and for donor sperm said that you had to find your own donor.
The only research I could find in Australia on treating single women was that they could not discriminated against by refusing to treat them. But you still had to find your own donor.
I floated possibilities in front of my single male friends, I even put profiles on dating websites to see if there would be guys out there that would be willing to come to some sort of business arrangement (on an IVF basis, wasn’t looking for a series of one night stands).
As time wore on, I decided that I was now working in a great job that I could financially do this on my own – great work/life balance, close enough to home to not be a huge issue, a few months maternity leave and back to work part-time and working from home, easing myself into it. But I still had to find a donor.
And then I hit pay-dirt when I found a clinic that would assist single women. I found them by accident as I was researching American Sperm Donor Banks, and just started checking out their websites to see what information they had etc. And later, I googled the name of their company and found a clinic that imports donor sperm, complies with Australian legislation, treats single women AND has no waiting list!
So I made myself an appointment (after more discussions with friends and research) and the rest as they say… is history!
I’m finally going to be a mum! My dreams are about to come true!
(but I’ve not forgotten that I still have a long way to go for a live birth… the forums that I’ve been reading over the past few months have certainly pre-warned me about that, but just for today… I’m excited!)
This morning I went to the local Pathology Centre for my early pregnancy blood test. It was pretty straightforward (as usual), they just took blood out of my finally healed up veins and that was it.
Now starts the long, long, long, wait until the Clinic calls me this afternoon. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed all day that they want me to re-test on Tuesday (although I secretly already think that they will get me to retest on Tuesday anyway, as I was pre-warned that today’s test might be too early to detect results).
Aaaarrrrggghhhh! No wonder they tell you not to do a home pregnancy test… it’s such an emotional roller coaster. I remember reading the blogs and forums when all the women lamented about how long the TWO WEEK WAIT actually is, and how many home pregnancy tests they took (daily in most cases!) and sitting there thinking smugly to myself “oh seriously, how hard can it be to wait two weeks”?
Last night I did more research online and discovered that the levels of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) in the urine don’t increase until after implantation occurs, and that implantation can take up to 12 days (which is the reason for the 2 week wait in the first place!). Wow, I thought, there IS still hope for me.
So this morning I caved AGAIN, and took another test. And what did I find? Another faint line!!!! This time I timed it exactly, and after 3 minutes, there was a definite faint line there.
And now I’m back to being all consumed by “what if” scenario’s…. oh, I can’t wait until Friday’s blood test results, which of course may just keep me hanging again over a long weekend until Tuesday’s results (but hey, if that happens, then it means that I’m actually pregnant, so that should be a good thing… right?
Before I even woke up this morning, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I fell asleep on the lounge last night and went to bed at 1.00am. Before I went to bed, I went to the toilet, and had the thought that I should do the test… as I had been asleep for a few hours and my bladder was full. But I decided to go ahead with my plan to test in the morning.
I woke quite a few times during the night, and also had dreams, so I had a very restless sleep, and when I woke this morning at 6.30am, I didn’t even need to pee! Well, that was just another sign as far I was concerned. I lay in bed and read my book for a while, and then got up to “pee on the stick”.
And just as I predicted…. Negative! Oh well… I’ll still go ahead with my blood test of Friday, and when the Clinic calls me with the news, I’ll just ask them when I can start again.
At 10.30pm, I had to give myself my final Pregnyl injection. I tossed the idea around of saving myself the uncomfortable process of giving myself a needle, but thought that I should follow through with the process until the very end, as I wasn’t supposed to have given myself the home pregnancy tests, and therefore, should just keep going. So, my final injection was pretty smooth, I’ll go through the next few days of hard, swollen ovaries, and then hopefully, have a month of getting my body feeling normal again before the whole process starts again (yippppeeeee, I still can’t wait to start again!).
Well…. I caved! I promised myself I wouldn’t do a home pregnancy test, but this morning I broke out the urine test that the clinic gave me.
Last night I was online reading the forums of other mums IVF experiences (again), and found a thread that appeared to have a lot of success stories for those undergoing their first cycle of IVF. Of course, it fed my need to improve my theoretical chances of being pregnant and one woman’s story in particular, had me enthralled. As I read on, I noted that she had done a home pregnancy test on the weekend before she was due to have her blood test… and received a BFP (as they say in the lingo, which means a big fat positive!). I kept reading her story (from Feb 2006, so there was an outcome) and she was definitely pregnant, and later found out… with twins! Now the thought of twins terrifies me, but the thought of NO baby terrifies me more.
So… this morning when I woke up, I didn’t really think too much about it, went to the cupboard and got the test, unwrapped it, and of course, it doesn’t come with instructions, so I filled a small container mid-stream, and held the end in for a few seconds. I saw a definite blue line appear, and another, very, very, very faint, blue line.
Then I decided to google what the results mean (haha nothing like doing things out of order, I still don’t know if I held the stick in the urine for long enough or anything).
My google search tells me:
POSITIVE Result for Pregnancy: Distinct color bands appear on the control and test regions. Presence of both test line and control line indicate that you are pregnant. The color intensity of the test bands may vary since different stages of pregnancy have different concentrations of hCG hormone.
NEGATIVE Result for Pregnancy: Only one color band appears on the control region. No apparent band on the test region. This indicates that no pregnancy has been detected. does not contain a detectable level of hCG and should be interpreted as a negative result.
So, I guess this tells me that I have a 50/50 chance of being pregnant as the test line is very, very, very, very, faint and could go either way.
Which leaves me in the exact same condition that I was in this morning before I took the test… I’m either pregnant… or I’m not.
(But I bet I buy another test when I’m out tomorrow and test again on Tuesday morning to see if that line has gotten any darker!)
Third (and second last) Pregnly injection tonight, and it only hurt a little bit (yup, just after yesterday’s post… but still didn’t bring any tears or anything). Not going in, I’m getting used to that, but this one ached a little in the injection region when I stood up to throw the rubbish from the needles in the bin. Nothing to worry about though, my eyes are still on the bigger prize.
It’s my second Pregnyl injection tonight (well, third if you count the booster shot I needed to have to help the Ovidrel do it’s stuff before my egg retrieval procedure.
Seriously, these injections haven’t really hurt at all – and I have a low pain threshold, and I don’t like needles. I read a lot (and I mean A LOT) of blogs and forum posts and most women talk extensively about how uncomfortable everything is, and how much the injections hurt, and how much the syneral spray gives them headaches, and so on and so on…. and I’ve really not been put out at all.
Gee, I hope this is a sign that I will have a trouble free pregnancy (can’t really hope for a trouble free baby, or a trouble free toddler, or a trouble free teen, so I will stick with hoping for a trouble free pregnancy).
Well, that was quite a simple procedure really, considering it’s importance.
I arrived at the Clinic at 12 noon after drinking a litre of water around 11am and then hold it in my bladder… and I was uncomfortable! I got to the Lab around 12.15pm and then had to wait in the waiting room until about 12.35pm. Then my Doctor called me in, where I saw the Embryologist hovering over what appeared to be a humidi-crib. I asked her how my embryo’s were, and if they had behaved themselves over the weekend. She said they had been great, as I got up on the chair. Above me was a TV screen with fish on it, obviously meant to relax me. Then the Embryologist put the 2 embryos up on the screen, and showed me what they looked like.
She told me that they were clustered and she couldn’t make out how many cells they had, but there were at least 6 to 8, which was perfect.
This procedure itself is straightforward, and only slightly uncomfortable. The embryos are placed in a small amount of fluid inside a catheter, which the Emb handed over to the Doctor once she had opened up my cervix. She then inserted the catheter directly into my cervix, and we waited a moment while the Emby checked the catheter under a microscope to ensure that they were placed. And that was it! Stand up, get dressed, and finally, I get to pee!
I went next door and got myself a urine pregnancy test, along with a pathology blood test form… they gave me two… one to get a blood test on Friday 3 September 2008, which is early… and may not show anything, and one for Tuesday 7 September 2008, which is the day after the public holiday. The Clinic will call me on Friday afternoon to let me know if I need to go back for the second test on the Tuesday.
My period is due on Saturday 4 October 2008, so they say I should test on the Monday 6 October if I don’t get my period. Because that day is a public holiday… I have the good old-fashioned urine test to try at home, but I’ve been pre-warned by the Doctor to not get discouraged if it’s a negative… because the only true test is the blood test.
Tonight I started taking the prescribed Pregnyl injections – I have 4 injections to take over the next 9 days (that I know of). Out come the glass vials again…
Great news! The Lab called me to tell me that my 2 wonderful eggs had fertilised overnight and were going well. What a relief! I didn’t realise how worried I was until the call came in. I thought that I had wasted all that money, time and effort to not even get an egg from this cycle.
The Lab told me that I needed to come in at midday to the see my Doctor to get them implanted. She told me to drink plenty of water about 11am and to keep my bladder full which gives the Doctor a straight line to my cervix to implant. I have to start taking Cartia today (until further notice), which is a low dose aspirin and will help reduce the chances of miscarriage.
I drove myself to the Surgery this morning… arriving at 9.30am for my 10.00am appointment – who do you think was nervous and apprehensive?
This surgery was very different to my endometriosis surgery… today, I sat in the waiting room until 20 mins before my operation. I was taken into a small room with a comfortable armchair, asked to undress and put on a theatre gown and a dressing gown over the top (and keep my undies in my pocket!). Everything else got locked in a locker, and I sat for a while until my Anaesthetist came in to go through my pre-operative questions. After another 10 mins, I was walked into the theatre, where I saw my Doctor, Anaesthetist, a nurse and also a lady who introduced herself from the Laboratory who told me that she would call me this afternoon about my eggs.
My Doctor asked me if I’ve given any thoughts to the number of embryos I wanted implanted, and I asked her opinion. She basically said it was my choice, so I told her that I couldn’t handle the result of 3 babies, but I was prepared to take the chance of 2, to increase my chances of a viable pregnancy. She smiled, touched my arm and told me that she agreed and that she had already written a preliminary “2” on my documentation.
After that, it was lights out and off to sleep I was.
I woke up in the recovery room – which was basically an area for 2 beds at one end and another on the side at the other end, and a row of comfy chairs down the left side. I was told that they had collected 4 eggs – and also had the number 4 in a circle written on my right hand. I asked the nurse about the 5th follicle and was told that sometimes follicles are filled with liquid and may not be an egg at all.
On the way home, I called the lab for any results on my eggs but they didn’t have any news for me yet and told me that they would call me later.
Later in the afternoon, I received a call from the Lab who told me that they took 5 eggs from me (different information, but she could have been counting the one that was basically liquid) and that 3 were not mature enough to be fertilised. She said that she had waited so long to contact me because she had given them an extra hour and a half after injection, but they hadn’t improved at all. She said the other 2 eggs looked good, and that they would call me tomorrow with an update on them.
Fingers crossed!
Another day, another blood test! This one was local at least and is to check that the trigger dose was enough.
Got a call from the Doctor’s office this afternoon and you guessed it… I need another injection! I’m to inject as soon as I get off the phone.
Pregnyl is used to ripen an egg in the ovaries, as well as to release the egg, causing ovulation and they gave me enough doses to take one if I needed it today, as well as the extra 4 doses before and after implantation.
It comes in 2 glass vials – one powder, and one liquid, and I have to snap off the top of the glass vial… I’m scared I’m going to shatter the glass and inject myself with the shards. Oh well, the things we do.
Today started early again, with another trek down to the Doctor’s office. More blood tests, and another internal exam. This time, my Doctor was there and she told me that Friday is definitely the day!
I got a call from the Doctors office in the afternoon telling me that I had to give myself a trigger injection tonight at 10.30pm. I prepared the injection of Ovidrel and injected myself at precisely 10.30pm… which means its just 36 hours to go until my eggs are collected!
Ovidrel is a drug that is used to “trigger” ovulation – it helps the follicles mature and then triggers the release of the mature eggs from the ovaries.
How exciting! Today is the day I get news of when my eggs will be collected. My Doctor wasn’t working today, but I met with another Doctor who did my internal scan. She told me that I have 3 follicles in my right ovary and another 2 in my left ovary. She also said that one was nearly ready to come out now, so I need a further scan on Wednesday morning to see if my egg collection day will be Friday of this week…. or next Monday, as has always been planned.
I had a blood test locally this morning and the Doctor called me this afternoon at 4.00pm to give me the bad news! I needed to take Luveris (yes, another daily injection) and this one costs $160 per day! It comes in 2 vials – one powder and one water solvent, and I have to mix them up before injecting them.
Luveris is another FSH and the downside is that it increases the chances for multiple births. Now twins might sound nice – get the family over and done with, don’t have to go back for a second try etc., but multiple births bring risks… to bubs and me. Now things are getting scary.
So, this involved driving over an hour in peak hour traffic to pick up the drugs to get me through until Monday when I was back at the Doctors again anyway.
I have to start injecting myself tonight with 450 units of Gonal-F, which is kind of like a pen that has 2 preloaded doses in it and is used to help the ovaries make more eggs. It is administered as a subcutaneous (just under the skin) injection. I have to put it in my abdomen every night at the same time until further notice, but at least I can swap sides each day.
Gonal-F is a synthetic follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and is used to grow ovarian follicles, which contain cells (ova or oocytes). This occurs at the beginning of my menstrual cycle.
I also have to reduce my intake of Synarel from today, moving to only one nostril each morning and evening, effectively halving my dosage.
Another blood test, another internal ultrasound, but I’m getting used to it now haha. This one was to see how the Synarel has been working, and to ensure that I am “down regulated”. I think this process basically takes my body back to scratch and allows the fertility drugs to do their work.
I also got given my first lot of injections, including a nice little video showing me how to do it….
Well here I am into my second week of my holiday and I’m starting my first lot of medication. Synarel is a nasal spray that must be taken in each nostril morning and night until further notice. It’s not so bad… better than the injection that they offered me J
Synarel assists in decreasing the amount of oestrogen produced by my ovaries. This will give a more controlled situation for subsequent stimulation of the ovaries to produce eggs. It basically means that the medication will now take over my cycle and my Doctor will be in control.
