You are currently browsing the daily archive for February 20th, 2009.
I’ve come to a conclusion. I’ve sent a message to my closest friends and family. It says…
Thanks, to everyone for your thoughts and messages today. I’ll be okay, but I don’t want to talk about it…. now or later. I just want to deal with it and get back to normal life for awhile without everything revolving around trying to get pregnant.
I’m feeling like a bit of a failure at the moment (and no, please don’t rush to tell me I’m not, because it’s not about that) and I guess that’s because it’s tough to go through something like this with all eyes on you, and then not “coming through with the goods” so to speak.
Because of this, I’m sorry to say that I’ve decided not to tell everyone when or even if I will continue to attempt to get pregnant… it’s just too stressful for me with everyone wanting to know details all the time (again, I know this comes from concern and caring etc.) …but for me, it’s much better to just go about my business and make an announcement when/if I ever get pregnant.
I hope you all understand where I’m coming from, and thanks for being in my life.
My first cycle was a lot easier, because only a couple of people knew what I was going through. And then, I only told everyone when I got pregnant, and I’m still glad I did, because I certainly needed their support when I lost the baby… but that meant that the secret was out, and everyone knew, and so the conversations just continued into the next stage of trying again. Way too much pressure!!
I really don’t want all eyes on me all the time, and I want my life to go back to that period in time when NOONE felt sorry for me, and NOONE worried about me being childless or alone. I hope they understand… it’s not that I don’t want to talk… I just don’t want to talk about getting pregnant all the time!
One of my beautiful friends has responded and told me that she thinks I’m brave and that she doesn’t feel slighted at all, so of course, I’m crying again, and feeling so lucky to have wonderful friends in my life, supporting me through all the tough times. And I’m so glad that my message hasn’t been misinterpreted and that people understand.
So… now its time for me to reflect a bit more and work out what I’m going to do. I’ve eaten through a huge chunk of my savings, and I’m battered and bruised inside and out. I think I’ll take some time out, get fit & healthy and see what life throws at me at some point down the track, with no expectations.
I woke up this morning, and I still didn’t have my period, so I went along with the process and got the blood test done locally.
Around 1.15pm, I realised what time it was and thought… wow, the morning has flown by, and I have been so busy at work, that I haven’t had a second to think about the results yet. Of course, from then on, it was the only thing on my mind, and I finally got the call from the nurse at the Clinic at around 4.00pm.
The conversation confirmed what I already knew, but I still didn’t like hearing it. I didn’t know what to do, or think, or feel, but knowing that I was at work helped me pull it all together a bit.
The bottom line is that now I need to decide if I want to start again or not. I can, and it’s a pretty straightforward process again – wait for my period, ring the Clinic, make an appointment for 21 days later, blood tests, nose spray, head spins, more blood tests, internal scans, injections…. lots and lots and lots of daily injections, and thousands and thousands of dollars.
The nurse suggested I could talk to the counsellor again, but I don’t know if that is going to help me. I also asked about different processes, was there a shorter cycle, how can I improve my chances if I decide to go through this again? The nurse suggested I have an appointment with my Fertility Doctor, or maybe even a phone consultation to talk it through with her, but basically it comes down to increasing my dosage of drugs again to try to get more eggs so we can freeze some, and also some sort of new growth hormone that they have started using (which will probably cost me another fortune).
I sent a test message to everyone to let them know the news… and then went home for a quiet night of reflection.
I’m positive I’m not pregnant! I woke this morning, did the final test, got a very definite negative this time, and it didn’t turn to positive after a period of time, which makes me think that until now, I’ve probably still had some HCG in my system from the Pregnyl injections.
I haven’t got my period yet, but I’ve definitely got the telltale signs of cramping etc., so it’s only a matter of time.
I don’t know if I can do this all again… but I don’t know if I can’t either. I’m already dreading the needles, the appointments, the blood tests, the head spins and the bruises.
Yup, you guessed it, I’m up early again. I don’t even need an alarm these days! This time I’m using the same test that I used last time, and once again, it came up a very very very faint positive… but again, only after about 10 minutes, which is after the instructions say to rely on them.
I woke up early and tested again…. Another negative, turning to a very very very faint positive after the test time expired. Hmmmm, what does this mean???
I’m wondering if I should do another home pregnancy test… I think I will.
I duck out to the shops during my lunch break on a training course today. I need some new shoes for work, so I’m wondering why my feet are taking me to the chemist? I already have another test at home, but I’m thinking of testing each day until my blood test. Oh wow, what on earth am I thinking? Have I turned into one of those women I read about all over the web blogs… desperate to get pregnant?
Yes, I am. I bought another 2 tests and can’t wait to get to sleep tonight, so I can wake up and do the test!
