Friday 20 February 2009, 11.00pm – One Decision Made…

I’ve come to a conclusion.   I’ve sent a message to my closest friends and family.  It says…

 

Thanks, to everyone for your thoughts and messages today.  I’ll be okay, but I don’t want to talk about it…. now or later.  I just want to deal with it and get back to normal life for awhile without everything revolving around trying to get pregnant.

 

I’m feeling like a bit of a failure at the moment (and no, please don’t rush to tell me I’m not, because it’s not about that) and I guess that’s because it’s tough to go through something like this with all eyes on you, and then not “coming through with the goods” so to speak.

 

Because of this, I’m sorry to say that I’ve decided not to tell everyone when or even if I will continue to attempt to get pregnant… it’s just too stressful for me with everyone wanting to know details all the time (again, I know this comes from concern and caring etc.) …but for me, it’s much better to just go about my business and make an announcement when/if I ever get pregnant.

 

I hope you all understand where I’m coming from, and thanks for being in my life.

 

My first cycle was a lot easier, because only a couple of people knew what I was going through.  And then, I only told everyone when I got pregnant, and I’m still glad I did, because I certainly needed their support when I lost the baby… but that meant that the secret was out, and everyone knew, and so the conversations just continued into the next stage of trying again.  Way too much pressure!!

 

I really don’t want all eyes on me all the time, and I want my life to go back to that period in time when NOONE felt sorry for me, and NOONE worried about me being childless or alone.  I hope they understand… it’s not that I don’t want to talk… I just don’t want to talk about getting pregnant all the time!

 

One of my beautiful friends has responded and told me that she thinks I’m brave and that she doesn’t feel slighted at all, so of course, I’m crying again, and feeling so lucky to have wonderful friends in my life, supporting me through all the tough times.  And I’m so glad that my message hasn’t been misinterpreted and that people understand.

 

So… now its time for me to reflect a bit more and work out what I’m going to do.  I’ve eaten through a huge chunk of my savings, and I’m battered and bruised inside and out.  I think I’ll take some time out, get fit & healthy and see what life throws at me at some point down the track, with no expectations.

Friday 20 February 2009, 8.00am – A Blood Test to Confirm

I woke up this morning, and I still didn’t have my period, so I went along with the process and got the blood test done locally.

 

Around 1.15pm, I realised what time it was and thought… wow, the morning has flown by, and I have been so busy at work, that I haven’t had a second to think about the results yet.  Of course, from then on, it was the only thing on my mind, and I finally got the call from the nurse at the Clinic at around 4.00pm. 

 

The conversation confirmed what I already knew, but I still didn’t like hearing it.  I didn’t know what to do, or think, or feel, but knowing that I was at work helped me pull it all together a bit.

 

The bottom line is that now I need to decide if I want to start again or not.  I can, and it’s a pretty straightforward process again – wait for my period, ring the Clinic, make an appointment for 21 days later, blood tests, nose spray, head spins, more blood tests, internal scans, injections…. lots and lots and lots of daily injections, and thousands and thousands of dollars. 

 

The nurse suggested I could talk to the counsellor again, but I don’t know if that is going to help me.  I also asked about different processes, was there a shorter cycle, how can I improve my chances if I decide to go through this again?  The nurse suggested I have an appointment with my Fertility Doctor, or maybe even a phone consultation to talk it through with her, but basically it comes down to increasing my dosage of drugs again to try to get more eggs so we can freeze some, and also some sort of new growth hormone that they have started using (which will probably cost me another fortune).

 

I sent a test message to everyone to let them know the news… and then went home for a quiet night of reflection. 

Thursday 19 February 2009, 5.00am – My BFN

I’m positive I’m not pregnant!  I woke this  morning, did the final test, got a very definite negative this time, and it didn’t turn to positive after a period of time, which makes me think that until now, I’ve probably still had some HCG in my system from the Pregnyl injections.

 

I haven’t got my period yet, but I’ve definitely got the telltale signs of cramping etc., so it’s only a matter of time.

 

I don’t know if I can do this all again… but I don’t know if I can’t either.  I’m already dreading the needles, the appointments, the blood tests, the head spins and the bruises.

Wednesday 18 February 2009, 5.30am – I Guess I Can’t Wait

Yup, you guessed it, I’m up early again.  I don’t even need an alarm these days!  This time I’m using the same test that I used last time, and once again, it came up a very very very faint positive… but again, only after about 10 minutes, which is after the instructions say to rely on them.

Tuesday 17 February 2009, 5.00am – Another Early Start

I woke up early and tested again…. Another negative, turning to a very very very faint positive after the test time expired.  Hmmmm, what does this mean???

Monday 16 February 2009 – Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I’m wondering if I should do another home pregnancy test… I think I will.

 

I duck out to the shops during my lunch break on a training course today.  I need some new shoes for work, so I’m wondering why my feet are taking me to the chemist?   I already have another test at home, but I’m thinking of testing each day until my blood test.  Oh wow, what on earth am I thinking?  Have I turned into one of those women I read about all over the web blogs… desperate to get pregnant?

 

Yes, I am.  I bought another 2 tests and can’t wait to get to sleep tonight, so I can wake up and do the test!

Sunday 15 February 2009, 4am and 10pm – BFN on the HPT and a Last Needle

I had my niece and 3 nephews here last night and at 4am, my niece woke up vomiting.  All over my beautiful plush carpet too!  But I digress.  Anyway, after cleaning her up and getting her back to bed, I went and took the home pregnancy test.  It came up a BFN (big fat negative)… during the testing time, but 10 minutes later, there was a very faint line showing.  I think during my first cycle, my first HPT was a false positive, and the test was picking up the HCG of the Pregnyl injections (even though I was actually pregnant). 

 

I’ll probably cave and do another HPT on Wednesday or Thursday morning, just to prepare myself a little bit for the phone call from my blood test on Friday morning (either way).

 

Tonight was my last Pregnyl injection… yaaaaaaay!  And just to remain true to form for the other injections I’ve had this cycle, it hurt like hell too.  Bled a fair bit this time too.  Oh well, fingers crossed it’s the last one for EVER (which will only be if I give birth to twins by the end of the year).

Thursday 12 February 2009, 10pm – OUCH!

Did the Clinic give me a batch of dull needles?  Is my skin getting thicker?  Am I doing something wrong?  This cycle of needles has certainly hurt more than the last cycle, and tonight’s was one of the worse.  I must be holding them on an angle or more likely, my body knows what to expect this time around and is rejecting the needle before it gets close to my skin!

 

Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to push through and give myself the injection.  I don’t know how I would go if someone else was giving me the injection, that might be worse. 

 

Thankfully, that’s my second last needle for this cycle, with the last one to come on Sunday night. 

Monday 9 February 2009, 10.30pm – Nearly forgot a Needle… haha as if!

I nearly forgot to give myself my second Pregnyl injection tonight.  I generally give myself my injections around 10pm and tonight I forgot.  Now… how could I forget such an important thing?  Hmmm, not sure but I do know that during my 1st cycle I was unemployed and so all of my time and energies was spent on the internet searching for pregnancy symptoms, trawling through the online forums to see if any hint of what I was going through could be found and basically spending every waking moment thinking solely of getting and being pregnant.  And this time, I’m working… so my attention is diverted elsewhere… thankfully.

 

Tonight’s injection was pretty straightforward actually.  Considering that most of the needles have hurt me during this cycle, I was quite impressed with tonight. Only a sharp jab and a slight ache for a short moment afterwards – easy really.

 

So that’s 2 injections down, and only 2 to go… and hopefully, those 2 injections will be the last that I ever need because this cycle is going to work!  It just has to!  

Friday 6 February 2009, 1.35pm – A Full Bladder and a Very Nasty Pain

I jumped in the car at 12 noon today to make the hour drive to the Clinic for my embryo transfer appointment.  I had to drink a litre of water and hold it in my bladder for an hour, so I started sculling water on the drive down there.  I drank about 900 ml by 12.15pm and arrived very early for my appointment (around 12.45pm).

 

I went to the office around 1.15pm and finalised my account, paying for the donor sperm and getting my receipts for all the other payments made to date.  I then went next door to wait…

 

And wait… and wait… and wait!

 

My fertility specialist was over 30 minutes late as she had been held up doing the treatments (egg retrievals) and I was the third one in!  I finally got in to see her around 2.10pm and my bladder was so full, it was very uncomfortable to walk.

 

I got to see my 3 little embryos on the screen again – this time I had one with 8 cells and two with 4 cells.  Good quality embryos are those with 4 to 8 cells, so I guess mine are pretty good so far.

 

And then the nasty painful bit happened.  I had forgotten how much it hurt to have that speculum inserted into my cervix.  Although, I’m not that sure it hurt that much the first time.  My doctor told me that my cervix was on an angle so she had to twist it twice.  Add that to a very, very full bladder, and it hurt like hell!

 

Then into the catheter and into my uterus they went… with a short wait while the embryologist checked that they had all left the tube.

 

Finally I got to empty my bladder, then went next door to get the blood test  request for 2 weeks time.   Oh, the dreaded 2WW (two week wait).

 

I had my first of four Pregnyl injections tonight.  This is to assist the embryos to implant into the lining of the uterus.  I’m hoping they do their job… but not quite perfectly.  They can do it 2/3’s but if 3 embryos implant, I still don’t know what I will do… other than cross that bridge if I come to it I guess.

Thursday 5 February 2009, 8.30am – Surprising News

I got a call from the Lab on my way to work this morning with the great news that all three of my eggs had fertilised overnight.  I must have pretty good eggs for my age!

 

We discussed how many embryos I wanted transferred and I told her that I was still pretty set on having all three transferred.  There are pros and cons with multiple births:

 

Pros	Cons
Save the cost of extra IVF	Medical health of mum and bubs
Siblings for the children	No hand me downs so double the cost
One maternity leave – less job interruptions	Double the work when I’m alone
Getting older, so harder to conceive again
Double the hugs and kisses
Know no different

 

But I’m still not sure how I would cope with triplets!  Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that, twins will be hard enough.

 

Once that was decided, the embryologist told me that we could make the transfer tomorrow instead of Saturday.  Well that freaked me out a little bit, even though I had already arranged to have Friday off work.  I asked her what was best for the baby(s) and she said that the only reason they generally waited the extra day was to select the strongest embryo’s and given that we weren’t choosing, there was no reason to wait if I was available.  Basically, she said they would be better off where they belong to do their thing.

 

So… tomorrow is the big day, and there is still the 2 week wait to see if I become pregnant…again.  Oh my… what am I doing?

Wednesday 4 February 2009, 6.30am – Egg Retrieval Day has Finally Arrived

I stayed at my sister’s place last night and my brother in law drove me down to the Hospital early for an 8am arrival.  I checked in at the front desk and was directed to the waiting room for day surgery patients.  Once there, I signed some paperwork, paid the hospital fees, signed a claim form for them for my private health insurance to pay the difference (not much) and sat in the waiting room with 3 other women.

 

After about 10 minutes, the nurse arrived and directed us into another waiting room, where there were about 5 or 6 more patients in various stages of preparation for their surgeries.  I met with my anaesthetist, who has a great sense of humour and after asking a series of questions, told me that he was happy with me and that he would see me soon.  I told him that I was happy with him too.

 

Then the nurse came back and took my blood pressure, pulse, and height and weight details, strapped my bands to my wrist and ankle and sat me back in the waiting room. Around 9.15am they called me to get changed in the cubicle, and put all my clothes in a plastic bag under my bed.  Just after 10am, the anaesthetist and a nurse wheeled me down the hallway to the door outside the operating theatre.  He and I small talked about allergies and the human body’s reaction to certain things (we were fascinated about my allergy to avocado), and then the nurse met me in the hallway.  She double checked my information and then told me that at this hopsital we walk into the theatre, so I got off the bed and walked straight in. 

 

My doctor was there, and while the anaesthetist and the nurse were prepping me with the canula and chest monitor tags, my doctor and I discussed the number of embryo’s to be transferred.  I told her that I had discussed the matter with the stand in doctor and my doctor said that her and the Embryologist were just talking about the number before I arrived.  I was able to convey that it would depend on the number of eggs that were retrieved and fertilised, but I was leaning towards three embryos to be transferred.  My reasons for this are that the treatments were getting expensive, I am getting older, and if my choices were between three babies and no baby, then I would take three babies.  I reiterated that it would depend on the number of eggs that fertilised and the embryologist said that she would talk with me more about it tomorrow morning when she called.

 

I woke up in recovery at around 10.40am and the recovery nurse told me that they retrieved 5 eggs.  I started crying because I was very disappointed that they didn’t get more.  I truly expected that they would find a few more eggs hiding inside my ovaries.

 

It was a pretty quick move from the 1st stage of recovery to the 2nd stage and it was around 11.30am that they gave me a sandwich and some juice.  The nurse rang my brother in law and I heard her tell him that he could pick me up at 12.30pm.  I then got changed and moved out to the 3rd stage of recovery… which was sitting on the chairs in another waiting room.  During that stage, another nurse took my blood pressure and pulse and completed my discharge papers.  I sent a few text messages to the family with the news and my sister sent me a text saying my brother in law wouldn’t pick me up until 1pm as he was in the city.

 

Around 1.15pm he arrived to pick me up and we left to come home.  On the way, the Lab called to tell me that 3 of my eggs were implanted with sperm and we would know overnight if they fertilised!  If they do, I will be choosing to transfer all three on Saturday to increase my chances of a full-term pregnancy!

Monday 2 February 2009, 7.25am – An Early Start for Disappointing News

I got to the clinic and went in to see the other doctor as my doctor doesn’t work on Monday’s. While there, I asked her about using 3 embryo’s and she said that although it is common for women my age to have 3 embryo’s transferred, it might not be practical in my case as I previously attained a pregnancy with 2 embryo’s. She said that there is a 5% chance of triplets being conceived, which is still a significant chance… so they may not like that option.

For my part, if the choice is between having 3 babies and having no baby, then I’ll take triplets… I just don’t want to!  But twins would be nice… I really want two children, and this process is very expensive, and I don’t know how much money I will have left after I have a child. Oh well, I guess I’ll discuss further with my doctor on Wednesday morning.

The scan showed that I have 4 follicles in my left ovary and 1, maybe 2 in my right ovary – but that will depend on if it is there, and if they can get to it during the operation. Looks like I’m exactly where I was last time.

I had a call from my anaesthetist’s office this afternoon, who will be doing my egg retrieval operation on Wednesday. She informed me that I needed to pay upfront, and that the anaesthetist is very tall, and very nice haha. I wonder what the reason for telling me that was. In any case, his fee is slightly less than it cost me last time, so that’s something finally going my way on the financial front.

Tonight I had to have my trigger injection at 10pm. I got a bit nervous about missing the time that I injected 10 minutes early before I realised the time! Last time I had the trigger injection, I was given Ovidrel, with a follow up injection of Pregnyl. This time, I was given Pregnyl as my trigger injection, so I must remember to ask why I didn’t get the Ovidrel this time.